Carolyn Turbyfill: When Kindness Meets Strength

Carolyn Turbyfill has spent her life navigating systems where power, ethics, and human behavior intersect. A risk management consultant with a Ph.D. in computer science, her career spans academia, Silicon Valley, startups, and international experiences. Carolyn believes deeply in kindness, empathy, and helping others, but she has also learned that kindness without boundaries can become vulnerability. Her story is about finding the balance between compassion and strength.

Born in North Carolina, Carolyn spent much of her childhood living abroad, including years in Thailand and Zambia. Those early experiences, surrounded by different cultures and languages, shaped her sense of curiosity and adaptability. Much later, only a week before her father's death, she learned that the work that had taken her family overseas was not exactly what she had believed growing up. Her father revealed that he had been working for the CIA while living abroad, a family secret he had kept for decades. Returning to the United States felt limiting by comparison, but the global perspective remained. In college, she studied psychology and was introduced to concepts such as unconditional positive regard and empathy. Later, serving in the Peace Corps in South Korea, she worked with patients affected by Hansen’s disease (leprosy). That experience taught her that many of the world’s health problems are rooted in unmet basic needs and poor sanitation rather than a lack of scientific knowledge.

Her transition into computer science was difficult. As one of very few women in her graduate program, Carolyn encountered hostility, competition, and betrayal. Social skills that had served her well elsewhere were often misinterpreted, and kindness was frequently viewed as weakness. During one of the lowest points of that experience, a postdoctoral researcher named Dina Bitton stepped in. Carolyn described how Dina welcomed her into her home, advocated for her, and provided support when she desperately needed it. Decades later, she still views Dina’s actions as one of the clearest examples of kindness she has ever experienced.

Years later, while working at Sun Microsystems, Carolyn describes a turning point from a negotiating class where she learned that win‑win only works if both sides want what’s best for each other. The instructor explained that if the other party is playing win‑lose - being dishonest, manipulative, or duplicitous - and you keep showing up as win‑win, you become “dinner.” Looking back on her career, Carolyn realized she had often sensed when people weren’t good-faith actors but had stayed in a kind of martyr role, believing that more vulnerability and kindness would eventually bring them around. This epiphany pushed her to separate when to be kind and when to be tough, avoid people who operate win‑lose. Reflecting on that evolution, she joked that she had gotten in touch with her “inner jerk.” What she meant was not that she lacked kindness, but that she had learned to be direct, tough when necessary, and unwilling to let people confuse her kindness with weakness.

In industry, Carolyn became known for building high-performing teams by shielding them from politics, advocating for fair compensation, and recognizing leadership where others overlooked it. She describes herself as a tough manager who cared deeply, a combination that earned trust even when accountability was non-negotiable. One of her leadership principles was simple: "The shit does not roll downhill past me." She saw part of her role as protecting her teams from unnecessary organizational turmoil so they could focus on doing their best work. Kindness, she learned, is about understanding when to help, when to protect, and when to draw a line.

One of the most consequential acts of kindness she described happened outside the workplace. While living in South Korea during a period of intense political repression, Carolyn and her husband received an underground document detailing the Kwangju (Gwangju) massacre, at a time when foreign reporters had been expelled and the government tightly controlled the narrative. They took the account to Sweden and helped get it published in a major newspaper, knowing it carried real risk. Afterward, both North and South Korean officials tried to track them down, and they spent weeks moving around Europe to stay ahead of that attention. Years later, hearing public acknowledgment that “dissidents” had reported thousands of civilian deaths confirmed that telling the truth had mattered. For Carolyn, it’s a powerful example of how kindness can require courage and a willingness to act despite personal risk.

Carolyn shared the idea that kindness is power. It is the ability to help without controlling, to protect without dominating, and to tell the truth even when it is uncomfortable. She rejects simplistic ethical rules, arguing instead for wisdom grounded in real human consequences.

"I find that investing in kindness makes me feel good."

Carolyn Turbyfill is a risk management consultant, technologist, and leader whose experiences across cultures, industries, and difficult circumstances have shaped a nuanced view of kindness. Kindness is most powerful when paired with wisdom, courage, and the willingness to act. Keep an eye out for more interviews.